20 songs, two hearts bound together by fate, and 1,3 hours of cheerful beginnings, sad midterms and destiny.
…I’m still here, trying to find my way back to you.
“Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad”
Christina Georgina Rosetti.
When she met him, she didn’t fall for him on a clichéd love-at-first sigh; but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t end up falling for him all the same. Her feelings took time to develop; months of standing by his side, learning about him and his antics, getting to know him and the way his mind worked.
Shirley probably didn’t anticipate it, but there’s only so much time someone can spend by Lelouch’s side without falling irremediably for him. And she wasn’t the exception.
But how could she express her love for him without risking to ruin their friendship? The bond they had formed? There were too many things at risk, and it took her a long time [and a red-head] to finally get the enough courage to approach him.
Because, she knew, he was worth the effort.
Things I’ll Never Say.
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head
If I could say what I want to say It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
I'd say I want to blow you--away What use is it to you what's on my mind?
Be with you every night If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere
Am I squeezing you too tight? Avril Lavigne.
This song speaks about Shirley’s thoughts, as she wants to express her thoughts and feelings for Lelouch, but simply cannot gather the enough courage to do so. So she’s left with only her fantasies, and imagining multiple scenarios inside her head.
After all, Shirley is known to have a great imagination.
I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer I've waited all my life to cross this line
Do you want me too? To the only thing that's true
Cause my heart keeps falling faster So I’ll not hide, it’s time to try
You don’t know. What you do Anything to be with you
Everytime you walk into the room, I’m afraid to move All my life I've waited
This is true
Shirley’s fear of rejection and of breaking the status quo, risking everything she has been able to achieve so far and most important of all, Lelouch’s friendship is wonderfully expressed in this song. And at the end, she realizes something really simple: It’s time to try, anything to be with him.
For You I will.
Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you
And so she gathers the enough courage, finally leaving her fear and doubt behind, and prepares herself to give one of the most important steps in her life. Confessing her true feelings to Lelouch. To Lulu.
…But at the end, things take a twist she didn’t truly expect.
“Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.”
Harsh truths are the only things that reach Shirley as she stands there, paralyzed, holding the gun in her hands and staring right at Zero’s face. At Lelouch’s face. And she cannot help but to feel regret and sadness fill her petite body.
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool That last kiss, I'll cherish
Oh no, No no Until we meet again
I wish I could touch you again And time makes, It harder
I wish I could still call you friend I wish I could remember
I'd give anything Pink.
Shirley doesn’t know anything anymore. And so she says goodbye to the happier times when she and Lelouch stood side by side, laughing and bickering like they were used to. And as she says goodbye, her mind being engulfed by confusion and feelings of betray, she wishes things could have been different.
But sometimes, wishes just don’t come true.
The paused time is
About to start moving
There's many things that I don't want to forget about
Tomorrow, at this time You will always be inside my heart
I will probably be crying You will always have your own place
I will probably be thinking about you I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Utada Hikaru Now and forever you are still the one
And so Lelouch says goodbye, erases himself from her existence. And even though he knows it is impossible, he can’t help but wish, from an instant, that her heart will somehow keep a place for him in it.
Just like his will never be able to forget her.
Songs That Saved My Life.
Froze our memories again
Soon you'll forget but i just can't
I remember everything
All the tracks that shaped and changed me
And I can't forget
And I won't forget
And she’ll forget everything they had lived together, every moment they shared. But he won’t; not only because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t. Even though he knows it’d probably save him a lot of pain, he’ll still remember her. Because the song she played in the concert of his life shaped and changed him in ways others couldn’t.
“Looking back, I have this to regret: that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
He was never open with his feelings, and sometimes, not even he himself could find out what he was truly feeling on the inside. And then, all that was left was regret for words he did not pronounce. Words he didn’t know he wanted to say.
Reverse This Curse
A withered past and a blurry future,
My hearts on an auction, So I'll hang on, never let go.
It goes out to the highest bid. I dug this pain into my chest.
I live too fast, and I know I will lose her, So, this goes, out to, the ones that fall in love,
And to, the girl, that filled my heart.
Escape the Fate.
Lelouch has a withered past, and his future is unclear; he’s only able to make out the barest traces of what he wishes to accomplish. And he is aware of the fact that he’ll loose Shirley if he goes on in the dark path he’s chosen; this song reflects that knowledge, and how he tries to hang on the feelings he had, the pain he’s felt. This song is for the girl who filled his heart, even though she no longer remembers having done so.
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
I just let you slip away
4 AM forever
Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
Only when it’s already too late, has he realized what he had been feeling all along. And so all was left for him was regret, and the pain of knowing that what-could-have-been just couldn’t be at all anymore.
And so he says goodbye.
So here we are
Back to the start again
And as days go by, the memories remain
I'll wait for you
And as days go by, the memories remain
I won't let go
These days remain the same
Pictures fade away
But he couldn’t really let go at all, and so he clung to the memories that remained inside him. Even though those memories were his alone now, and things were back again to the start, he would still hold them dear.
Because there isn’t a need to pictures when your heart holds everything you need to cherish.
“Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I Love You.”
The words he wasn’t able to say, the words there wasn’t a case in saying anymore, could still be heard all too clearly if one listened intently enough to the pained sadness of his goodbye.
Falling in Love.
You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
You are my wings to fly
You are the wind beneath them
I miss you every night, when I close my eyes
Shirley always managed to bring out the best in Lelouch. That’s a quality I feel the pairing has always had; they’re able to bring out the best out of each other. And even though Shirley’s memories are gone, that influence Lelouch has one her can’t and won’t be erased, no matter how hard he may try.
Just like her influence on him won’t fade with time, either.
Pens and Needles.
And all I had was the memory of what was
So let's pretend it never mattered to us
I hope this message finds you well
Never thought I'd live to tell
What's a dream and what is real,
The way I really feel
This song, like the previous one, can work well with either POV. Still, I find it to fit Lelouch’s a little better. Because after all, that is all he has: the memory of what was.
I’m On Your Side.
I never meant to hurt you End this now, we've gone too far
Sometimes these thoughts have a way making sense Let's take back words that turned to scars
Secrets that we keep turn into accidents If I could find a way to turn back time
If you burn away the bonds with the fires of selfishness Had to let you know I'm on your side
The positive the negative have a way of blending in Hawthorne Heights.
The secrets that Lelouch kept from Shirley managed to create the mess they were thrown in. Just like Shirley not confronting Lelouch immediately after she realized he was Zero, had direct and painful consequences.
But still, they never wanted to hurt each other.
And if there was a way to turn back time, they’d let each other know just that.
“The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before.”
But sadly there wasn’t a way to turn back time to correct one’s mistakes, and while Shirley couldn’t even remember just what mistake she would like to fix, Lelouch was left with the knowledge of the things he realized only when it was already too late.
“Loss makes you realize a lot of things, doesn’t it? Like how much you loved her smile, and how you’ll never laugh or fight together again”
Returning the Smile you have had since the Start.
In my memory I wrote you down in ink
I never wanted to erase your story
Even with the tragedy it brings
Something beautiful I don't want to say goodbye yet
Something torn from my hands This day will end with a life complete
My closest friend here in front of me
He carved her memory deep inside his mind, and as she was torn from his hands by a cruel twist of fate; as he feels the pain of saying goodbye, missing her already, he apologizes for everything.
Because he never wanted to hurt her—not her out of all people. And he didn’t want to erase their story. And even though he knew it was necessary, the best for her; he still regretted it.
I know you make mistakes
I hope some day you have it all
...if you could understand
I'm losing control
that I'm losing control
Lelouch will carry all her sins, the consequences of her mistakes. Because he only wants the best for her.
And that doesn’t change. Not even as he starts losing control over the Geass and those around him.
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
And so Lelouch will try to fix her, erasing from her memory all those things that pained and broke her. But what he didn’t realize, is that he may be able to erase her memories from her mind, but the geass can’t erase the feelings inside the heart.
And at the end, it’ll be Shirley the one to try to fix him.
“I never knew until that moment how much it could hurt to lose something you never really had.”
The Wonder Years
For it was then he realized what he had wanted all along.
I know you'll be better off without me when I'm gone
You know you're beautiful
You're beautiful You’re gonna be just fine,
Shine on You’re gonna be alright love
You were made to shine on
and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends I'll be with you till the very end
Shirley is an amazing girl. Talented, beautiful; a good friend with a great heart. She’s made to shine and succeed; Lelouch know this, and so when he turns and starts walking forward—as he stares at her from the sidelines, he knows she’ll be fine on her own. And he’ll support her all the way through, even if he can’t stand at her side as she shines.
Better than Me.
I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
His hands are tainted red with blood and sins; his selfish desires and dreams push him forward and add burden to his shoulders. And Shirley deserves much better than that; she deserved so much better than him. That’s what he thinks.
He wasn’t the same boy she met long ago, neither was he the same person she fell in love with. He now was the one who killed her father and the guilty one behind the massacre of the Japanese people who dared to wish for something better.
And Shirley deserved so much better…
But even though he knows that, he can’t help but to be selfish enough as to cherish her memory inside his heart and mind.
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
And when we meet, which I'm sure we will
All that was there, Will be there still
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on...
And neither of them will say a word, even when their eyes met. Shirley’s mind is plagued with the contents of the letter she can’t seem to forget, and her heart is too confused with the void that always seemed to fill whenever he was near. Lelouch isn’t aware of any of those things, and believes there isn’t a place in her heart for him anymore; and it’s better like this. She would be safer the farther away she was from him.
And so neither of them knows just what the other is feeling… and that there can be new beginnings that are only awaiting for a word to start.
“When I found you, I felt as if my heart found its destination.”
This was the feeling they shared, without knowing it, without realizing. Shirley slowly placed her heart with his, and Lelouch couldn’t help but to do the same.
Even though neither of them realized just when it happened.
Harenochi Natsu No Ame.
Things might fall apart if I speak
I still don't have enough courage
The sudden showers of summer rain
Will hide your tearful face
Time changes incessantly
But I won't forget
Tomorrow will be clear again
I'll meet you with a smile
Someday, even if it hurts
Until it reaches you
Tomorrow, I can meet you here again
Forever, until these feelings
Can approach you
Shirley’s character song. Because I believe, there’s no one better to express her feelings than herself.
“Close together or far apart, you’re forever in my heart.”
Without ever giving a thought about exposing
My own weakness and strengths,
I hid my tears,
From people who could show their true faces.
I can’t lose you, the one I kept searching for.
You’re My Destiny
Open your heart
I want to confess my unyielding thoughts
You’re My Destiny
The bond that I feel
Is the destiny of our meeting
Say you’ll share with me one love
You’re My Destiny
I want to try and believe...
You’re My Destiny
In tomorrow’s dream...
And finally, the song that played during episode 14, as Lelouch placed the burden of Shirley’s sins above his shoulders, and opened up to her about things she could no longer understand under that night-sky full of stars.
This is Lelouch and Shirley’s song. And with beautiful Lyrics from Lelouch’s point of view, as well as a breathtakingly sad melody and gorgeous vocals, this FST ends.
And it ends with this song not only because it is from Lelouch’s POV, or because it is their song. But because this song speaks about destiny, and tomorrows and new chances. It speaks about them finding each other once again, inevitably, because Shirley is Lelouch’s destiny.